The struggle is REAL.
Every week I get emails in my inbox from parents struggling.
Struggling to overcome anger.
Struggling to feel confident.
Struggling to get along with their in-laws.
Struggling to get their husband on board.
Struggling with disrespectful kids.
Struggling with self-doubt.
Struggling with daily overwhelm.
Struggling with change. Change is hard for everyone. Overcoming anger, feeling confident in your decisions, getting others on board with your parenting, raising respectful kids and simplifying your life all require some changes to occur.
Often there is something blocking us even when we know some change must happen. Doing the same thing over and over again isn’t working…something has to give. But, how?
WHEN WE FEEL OVERWHELMED CHANGE CAN SEEM NEAR IMPOSSIBLE!
Why is making small changes so hard though? Especially when we KNOW deep down that those changes will bring countless benefits and happiness?
The answer is simple.
We are too busy holding onto stories. Stories are our comforter on a cold night. We hold on tight and in return they protect us.
When the brain feels confused or uncertain it searches for the easiest, simplest way to feel better… More often than not it creates a story. These are usually stories of blame. Blame has a way of redistributing feelings of guilt or shame and we naturally accept stories of blame in our unconscious, desperate attempt to feel less overwhelmed.
Stories can include:
My child behaves this way because she doesn’t like me.
My husband won’t listen because he thinks I’m incapable.
I keep making mistakes because I’m inadequate.
That person hurt my feelings because they are not a good person.
I can’t be a confident parent until there is more peace in my life.
There is too much to learn I can’t possibly take this on!
My children are disrespectful because they are spoiled.
My in-laws ignore me because they think they can parent better than I can.
Stories. We all have them.
We all use stories as a safety net. Once we create the ideal story we tell ourselves over and over again until we believe it. And while this may be licking our wounds in the moment story telling prevents us from being truly present and practicing a growth mindset. Story telling comes from a fixed mindset. The mindset that says, “There is nothing to learn here! Avoid this at all cost.”
Avoid trying again.
Avoid forgiving people.
Avoid meaningful conversations.
Avoid listening to your children.
Avoid your in-laws!
Avoidance is safer. Avoidance feels better than change. Because change means a lot of hard work.
Here’s the thing, we can’t stop the mind from creating these stories. That’s its job! But, we can practice being present. We CAN choose what we listen to and what we let go.
Try this: think of a time where you felt overwhelmed, anxious, angry, worried etc. What was happening? What story comes to mind as you visualise the event? Your stories are always just below the surface and find their way through quickly when we practice visualisation.
Stories are what keep us reliving the emotion. Emotions have a way of interrupting our progress. They keep us in a cycle. “This event doesn’t feel good. This story must be true. I’ll avoid this so I don’t feel discomfort.” and on and on it goes.
EVENT > FEELING (STORY) > AVOID.
So, how do we break the cycle? How do we make decisions that are uncomfortable? How can we change?
The first step is by being fully present. Stories have a way of pulling us in away from the present and into the cycle. Being fully present can awaken our positive, growth mindset.
“What is happening right now?”
“What can I see?”
“What sounds can I hear?”
Then catch yourself:
“What am I thinking about?”
“Are my thoughts true?”
“Are they helpful?”
“What is one thing I can do right now?”
Catch. Check. Commit.
Let’s break this down even further with some examples that demonstrate how to use questions as your compass.
You walk in on your children fighting…again! Your blood immediately begins to boil and you feel your heart racing…
Catch – What am I thinking? > “They’re ALWAYS at each other’s throats! They’re so mean!!”
Check – What if it wasn’t their fault? What if it wasn’t your fault? > “If it’s nobody’s fault then maybe I shouldn’t be so angry with them.”
Commit – “I wonder what they need from me right now?” > Take one step closer to calm, conscious parenting.
Ready to commit to conscious, calm parenting? Through my 1:1 sessions, parents learn how to practice and engage their positive mindset, how to understand their child’s behaviour and what solutions to use for developing amazing cooperation and compassion in their home.